


Still Here

by chunni



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Dark, Depressing, Extremely Dubious Consent, Germancest, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Prussia doesn't want anything of this, Pseudo-Incest, Why Prussia Is Still Alive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 14:42:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18317348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chunni/pseuds/chunni
Summary: Prussia shouldn't have been alive. Germany shouldn't have wanted him.





	Still Here

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Built For Sin](https://archiveofourown.org/works/673798) by [Phenobarbital](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phenobarbital/pseuds/Phenobarbital). 



**Still Here**

 

~

It wasn’t easy being alive.

~

Prussia often wondered why he was still around while so many other nations just… _faded_.

He could understand why it had been different during the Cold War. Germany had been divided and he didn’t fade because there had been his people, because there had been his borders and his capitol and his government. He had been a nation, small, yes, but he didn’t have to wonder whether he’d still existed the next day. Maybe that was why there had been a tiny shadow beneath the happiness when he was finally reunited with his brother.

In the end, he didn’t fade, even after the reunification.

Maybe it should have made him think.

~

When his wounds didn’t want to close themselves as quickly, when there was still a bluish bruise days after he had stumbled upon the chair, he thought that, maybe, the time had caught up with him after all.

~

One day, Germany told him that they needed to talk. His voice would have been flat without the tiny fractures that hinted at something more. When they sat down in the kitchen he thought he’d know what to expect.

He was wrong.

“Just get it out already. I can’t stay here all day, Spain asked me to go out tonight and he still owes me 20 euros from when I beat him at the drinking contest.” Prussia grinned although he didn’t quite feel like it. His stomach didn’t want to stop churning and there was something flickering in West’s eyes that he didn’t want to explore.

His brother looked up, his fingers no longer dancing on the surface of the table as if he weren’t sure what to do with them. Motionless, for a second. Then, he sighed.

“You’re right.” He inhaled, exhaled, looking as if it pained him doing so. When their eyes locked there was a storm raging in the blue gaze.

Prussia gulped, his muscles weak, and in that instant he knew that he didn’t want to hear what West had to say. He saw the pain and he didn’t want to share it, he couldn’t. But he wasn’t able to move, wasn’t able to say something, wasn’t able to do anything as the words left West's mouth.

“I love you.”

It was quiet, whispered, almost, and if there had been a noise in the background, he wouldn’t have been able to understand it.

Prussia laughed until he felt the tension creeping upon his shoulders and inside his throat, until it seemed as if there wasn’t enough oxygen in the air. He almost choked.

“Thanks, I love you too. Can I go now?”

Germany’s expression hardened, his lips a thin line.

“That wasn’t what I meant,” he said, the voice quivering. “I love you but.. not in the way… I should…”

Prussia blinked, once, twice. His whole body felt as if he had been thrown into a frozen sea and for a moment he forgot to breathe. He didn’t know whether he should laugh or cry and in the end he did neither of them. He felt his grin break away as he frowned. When he opened his mouth, the words burned his tongue.

“So, you say… you want to fuck me?”

West narrowed his eyes but he couldn’t hide the flash of pink grazing his cheeks. Prussia felt like he was going to be sick. His stomach lurched. Fuck. He _was_ going to be sick.

He didn’t know what to do so he did the one thing he always did when in doubt. Talking.

“You know, I changed your diapers when you were little, right? Or, well, I would have, if you hadn’t been too old already…”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Prussia!” His brother’s voice boomed through the kitchen making him flinch. For a second the world was still, almost as if somebody had stopped time itself.

Then, Prussia felt his blood heat up, felt sparks flying through his veins and he had to resist the urge to throw a mug against the wall. He could almost hear it shattering to pieces already.

“What do you expect me to say, eh?” He gulped trying to force away the bitterness on his tongue that felt like spider webs in his mouth. “I can’t…I…I…”

He inhaled sharply looking at Germany whose gaze softened although there was still a hint of darkness in his eyes.

“I noticed you getting… weaker… these past weeks. Everyone knows you shouldn’t… you shouldn’t be alive nowadays.” He turned his head to the side as if he didn’t want to look into Prussia’s eyes anymore. “I wondered if… it had been me all along. The reason why you’re still here. Perhaps we’re connected somehow.”

Prussia stared at him, couldn’t speak, even if he wanted to. The words made sense in the air but when he tried to wrap his head around them they floated away like clouds. Incomprehensible.

“I don’t want to lie to you. I’ve… wanted, I’ve _loved_ you for a long time, even if I didn’t know it at first, even if I fought against… those feelings...and maybe… it will help you… if you… returned them...”

Even though his voice was barely more than a soft whisper Prussia felt as if somebody had slapped him across the face. He closed his eyes trying to fight the headache behind his lids, trying to fight the sickness in his stomach.

“You know, _West_ , the last time I checked, I wasn’t gay and even if I were, I certainly wouldn’t want to have sex with my brother!”

He didn’t want to scream but somehow his voice rose until it echoed into every corner of the room. When he locked his gaze with Germany once again he wasn’t sitting anymore.

The world swayed beneath his feet. West looked at him with a flat expression, jaw tight, although something in his eyes seemed to break as he rose.

“I know! This isn’t easy for me at all. But I don’t want to lose you! Can’t you understand-”

“No!” Prussia cut him off unwilling to hear any more words. “Shut up. Tell your stories somebody who cares. I don’t.” He shook his head, the thoughts roaring inside his mind.

“I need to go.”

When he bolted through the door the voice of his brother calling him silenced all other noises until it was the only thing ringing through his body.

~

He sent Spain a message saying that, _sadly_ , _he wouldn’t have time tonight_ while paying for his sixth beer. He didn’t want to see anyone and he certainly didn’t want to talk to anyone. Least of all Germany.

What a fucked-up situation.

He felt like throwing up. Although he knew that alcohol only made it worse he couldn’t help but seek the sweet floating state it provided. The sweet floating that numbed his thoughts and feelings and left him swimming in his consciousness.

There he was, alone, like often, like always. He didn’t even have his brother at his side. Would he ever again?

This wasn’t anything they could talk about, it wasn’t anything that went away after a few nights of sleep. It was there, the cage had been opened and neither of them would be able to close it again.

Prussia sighed. For a second he just wanted to lay his head on the table of this shady tavern and sleep.

He didn’t think he drank that much but when the words of the girl next to him reached his mind he realised that she must have said something he didn’t catch.

“…don’t look too well. I’d really like to help you.”

Prussia blinked. He looked up to meet brown eyes in a soft featured face. He didn’t catch her name but she looked like a Marie or maybe a Lena. She seemed to be everybody’s darling which was just accentuated by the strand of blond hair she was twirling around her finger.

He tried to smile but it felt wrong and probably looked wrong, too. Marie didn’t seem to notice, though, as her face lit up.

“You’re right. I’ve got problems, too many problems, problematic problems…” He closed his eyes when the chair Lena was sitting in began to double itself. “The problem… is… it’s just…is… I don’t know… _what to do_ …”

A part of him wanted to give in to the urge to cry, the other part of him told him to sit straight and _don’t let a beautiful lady see how weak you are!_

He rubbed the bridge of his nose sighing. “I’m gonna die...,” he said trying, struggling not to sob. “Just fade away like dust in the wind… _dust in the wind_ … isn’t there a song like that?”

Prussia laughed but even to his ears, manipulated by alcohol, it sounded ugly and sad.

“He said he wants me… how can he say such a thing?” He shuddered, his eyelids fluttering open to meet Marie’s gaze. Her eyes widened, brown eyes like chocolate or more like toffee, maybe. He didn’t like toffee.

“You’re gay?!“, she said, voice high pitched as if it would have been a personal offense. Not everybody’s darling after all, eh? He snickered at the thought but soon enough the weight of the past events was crushing him again. The snicker turned into a sob.

“No, I’m not.” He shook his head long after the words left his mouth. “How can he do this to me? All the time… all the time… “

Every time they went to the gym together, had West been checking him out?

Every time they needed to share bed, every time they hugged each other or cried or laughed together, all the memories floated across his mind and he wondered if there had been any signs.

He should have known, shouldn’t he? He should have seen them, the signs. He was his brother, he raised him, damn it. This wasn’t supposed to be. Even between nations it was frowned upon to date somebody you used to raise, someone you saw as a sibling or parent. How could he have overlooked it? Didn’t West see how wrong it was?

Lena had begun to pat his shoulder and he couldn’t help but wish, just for a second, that he’d have been born as a human. It would have been so much easier.

“It’s alright,” she cooed, her breath warm against his ear. “Just tell him you’re not interested.”

He wanted to laugh but felt himself unable to do so.

“You won’t be dropping dead over rejecting someone,” she added. “It’s alright.”

_Oh, how wrong you are…_

It was as if she poured a bucket of icy water over his head. He shuddered shaking his head without answering. His muscles tensed as he thought about these _crazy_ things Germany had said. As he recalled them they somehow didn’t seem that crazy anymore.

He had been right about a few things. Prussia shouldn’t be alive but he was for whatever reasons. At least for now, for all these past years. West also had been right about him being weak. He hated to admit it, even to himself, but he often felt exhausted even without doing exercises. And there was this thing with his wounds…

He gulped not feeling drunk anymore. Not feeling anything except the coldness of his own body, of his own mind.

He’d die. He knew it. Prussia would fade away. Not today, no, but he felt the day creeping closer like some break in the weather.

He’d die.

But if there was the possibility of living, would he take it?

What kind of price was he willing to pay?

~

He wanted to live.

He loved his brother, even after all the things he said, even if they made him sick.

He owed it to himself, to West, to his past, to his future to try, didn’t he?

He just needed to try and maybe…

…. maybe it would be worth it.

Maybe not.

~

When Prussia opened the door to the house, _their house_ , he was still swaying a little bit. His head ached, his heart ached and he just wanted to sleep.

Sleep and, maybe, forget.

It wasn’t possible, of course, _lucky him_. He tried to find his way through the hallway and to the stairs when his brother’s voice paralysed him.

“Prussia? “

He wanted to close his eyes, wanted to walk on but somehow he found the strength to turn around.

West wore a simple shirt and shorts as if he went to bed but the shadows beneath his eyes suggested that he didn’t sleep in the last hours.

Prussia sighed without saying anything. He didn’t know if he’d be able to do what he needed to do if he said anything.

“You’re here. “

 _I am here_ , retorted Prussia inside his head, his heart flying inside the cage of his ribs, his muscles tensing. When he stepped forward he forced all thoughts out of his mind, forced himself to act despite his own feelings.

When his hands grabbed Wests shoulders to pull him towards him, when he closed his eyes while pressing their lips together, it felt like a defeat.

He’d thought he knew what defeat was like, after years of war and misery, but nothing had burned quite like acid through his throat as this moment.

He tried to imagine kissing Marie, _no, Lena_ , well, any girl, anyone, but it wasn’t possible. He knew West. They had lain too often next to each other, had hugged too often for Prussia not to know the arch of his shoulders, the length of his hair, the scent of his shower gel. He couldn’t hide in the pretence of darkness.

Somehow West only made it worse. He went with it without even a little pause, without even a tiny word of question. _You should be shoving me away, dammit_ , shot through his head while Prussia tried not to give in to the sickness pooling inside his stomach, _not pulling me closer_. _Please, don’t do this…_

This had to be what purgatory felt like.

He felt Wests hand brushing against his face, his cheek, wandering away to his neck, holding him, _capturing_ him. He felt the tip of a tongue grazing his skin, felt lips moving beneath his that shouldn’t be there to begin with. He shouldn’t have known how it felt like to kiss them. _He shouldn’t have…_

He only realised the tears rolling down his face when his vision blurred, when West pulled away, voice too quiet.

“You’re crying…”

Prussia pressed his teeth together wiping away the wet trails with trembling fingers. He didn’t laugh although he wanted to because it would have been the laugher of a madman. What irony.

“Nice of you to notice,” he choked out, tone flat until it wasn’t anymore. “And here I thought you were too busy ravishing me.” He snorted although it sounded more like a sob. Dammit. What was he doing here?

West frowned, face paling, lips quivering, and Prussia couldn’t help but feel satisfied, at least a bit, that he was losing his posture.

“I’m not… doing _that_ ,” he said, eyes locking with Prussia’s. “Besides, you were the one kissing me.”

Prussia couldn’t keep his gaze, didn’t want to see the flames inside it, and he lowered his head. The acid was still burning his throat although he didn’t feel like throwing up anymore. It hurt to inhale, it hurt to exhale.

“I guess, I did,” he whispered.

For a second he couldn’t move and when he did, it was as if his body didn’t belong to him, not really. He threw his arms around Wests chest, laying his head on his shoulder, closing his eyes.

It almost felt normal. An illusion. His head told him that it was a normal hug but his heart knew that it wasn’t, not anymore.

“I thought… about… _this_ ,” he murmured over the beating of his heart, over the beating of Wests heart right next to his. The words burned through his tongue, through the air as he forced himself to speak before he wouldn’t be able to.

“I don’t want to lose you, too.”

~

Italy’s words woke him out of his daydream and he flinched. He shook his head realising that he had been looking at the wall next to the projector all along.

He needed a few moments to realise that it wasn’t England talking about new agricultural reforms anymore but West talking about… whatever. Something with glyphosate. Sometimes he wondered why he even went to these conferences when he wasn’t listening anyway.

He yawned blinking a few times as Italy's face shot into view. Ah, yes…

“What did you say?”

Italy smiled. “I’m just saying that Germany looks really handsome in the new suit, doesn’t he?” He tilted his head. “I wonder why I’ve never seen him with girls. I bet they’re flocking to him in Berlin… maybe it’s his aura… he _does_ seem a bit scary at times, right?”

Prussia faltered, his muscles tensing, his insides twisting. For a second his gaze roamed over West but he looked away before it would be too obvious. He knew the suit. He had been there walking through the stores with West searching for new business wear. He had been the one to remark that the dark blue of the suit would nicely compliment his eye colour.

He grinned and it felt wrong but he knew that it didn’t matter. It looked real enough.

“I wondered that too. He’s always bringing these girls to our home and the next day, _poof,_ gone! Maybe it has something to do with these body-like hills in our backyard. What do you think?”

“ _What_?!” Italy's face went white and Prussia chuckled.

It almost felt real.

~

They kissed where nobody could see them and where nobody could hear them. It had been one of the conditions Prussia had introduced to their, well, _relationship_.

It had been hard. It was hard, still.

But somehow he managed to control the sickness, the acid, until it was no more than a faint tingle on his tongue. Sometimes he could forget _who_ was kissing, _who_ was touching him.

They fought, often, but they always went back to each other.

They needed each other.

They had been fighting together for so long, they had been living with each other for so long, that it sometimes felt like a simple upgrade.

Sometimes it didn’t.

But that was okay.

He had learned to live with it.

At least that was what he was telling himself.

~

One day he cut himself while chopping potatoes for a potato salad. The blood sprinkled the metal with red dots and it flooded down the drain like liquid rust. Until it didn’t.

Until the wound closed itself, mere seconds afterwards.

He smiled. He tried to.

Prussia couldn’t bring himself to be happy about it.

~

It wasn’t easy being alive.

~

 

 


End file.
